How to Raise a Feminist Son - Sonora Jha



Chapter 1 - Help, I just found out I'm having a son!

This paragraph sums the chapter, and the general motivation and inspiration one is likely to take away from the book.
If you are reading this book, you probably have a boy in your life whom you want to raise as a feminist. I hold you in happy solidarity. And I tell you we are not alone. We can snuff out toxic masculinity, which is defined as a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, dominance, and violence, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to boys' own mental health. We can build a gentle and vital masculinity from the ground up. We can raise our children without gender stereotypes, perhaps even without gender binaries, so that they are free to experience and express the whole spectrum of human emotion. And we can be people of any gender building all sorts of family as we do it.

And this is a beautiful practical example I'm certainly going to make use of, in variations appropriate to my son's age
I do not believe the my-stay-home-mom friends will fail to raise feminists, but I have come to see that mothers who seek and find fulfillment of any kind outside a homemaker role are more likely to phone home and ask their sons to fold the laundry. I made it a point at lease once a week to call my teenage boy and ask him "What's for dinner?"

The chapter had todos at the end of it Smiling Face with Heart-Eyes so here it goes, for this one.

Chapter 1 Todos

Make a list of reasons why you believe feminism is good for your boy.

  • To begin with, feminism symbolises many things, if not everything, that goes into what a better version of humans we can all be, regardless of gender or sex identity. Who wouldn't want their kids, or anyone for that matter, but truly and especially their boys who are pre-dispositioned in the world we live in to be dragged into the toxic/patriarchic-masculine role, to be that?! No one. No one with a sane mind and true love for their kids and for others, would want anything else.
  • It will make him a better ally, in case we achieve the goal of him growing and becoming a person of healthy-masculinity within, to feminists. We need that, too, to have better chances at completing a leap and long-term upgrade of human culture and condition.
  • It will give him opportunities to live a more fulfilling, more meaningful, more joyful and definitely more better-masculine and emotional experiences that many many boys have been denied, being raised and locked into the "Man Box".
  • It will save him, and everyone around him, from much misery and suffering that can be caused by him, otherwise.
  • It will allow him to be a better brother to his sister, and allow her to be a better sister to him, too. It will give both of them far better chances at having a closer, more respectful, less biased and stereotyped, and deeper relationship.

Complete this sentence in your own words: "I aspire to raise a feminist boy because..."

... that's the only way I should be raising him, if I want to consider my task done well.


Chapter 2 - What if I'm not a good Feminist?

It is fascinating and very reassuring to read Sonora grapple with her/our understanding of feminism in a plain, curious, questioning, committed and motivated fashion.
Let's just admin that we do not yet have the lens, the language, or the socialization to comprehend what an unquestioning love for women would look like.
The display of that inner pursuit in this chapter is very accessible, and signifies how important of a task it is, to discover the feminism we ought to be embracing and living from within.
Our brothers are beating or murdering us, and yet, somewhere inside me is still the twenty-three-year-old who just wants to go home and pretend everything is OK. But [...] I have this to say-—the greatest feminist resistance I have had to launch has been within myself. It gets easier and then it gets suddenly harder, over and over until it turns almost into muscle memory. Feminist struggle becomes pleasurable.


Chapter 2 To-Dos

I urge you to track your feminist journey:

When did you first hear the [feminist] word?

The first time I remember absorbing and learning about the word and the movement was probably when I read the news online related to  Mona Eltahawy  abuse during the Egyptian revolution.

When did you first feel it warm your bones?

That must have been when I more thoroughly thought about how it might affect my life choices, behavior, thoughts etc upon receiving the news of the pregnancy with my daughter, Thea. The night she was born, walking back home from the hospital, thinking of her growing into this world, at a time where she has as much opportunity as challenge to be herself, free of old-age societal norms, was a very heartwarming thought. The thrill of the challenge and the responsibility on my availability for her, were probably a big part of that feeling.

When did you say, "I don't really call myself a feminist; I'm a humanist"?

Probably occasionally while trying to think about it or talk about it with others. If we achieve more "feminist" progress in the world, we are elevating all humanity. So it does seem as-if they are interchangeable in that sense. But one can argue the problems that feminist movement has focused on through their many waves may be a subset of all suppression and control problems people and systems
Feminism is nothing to be defined once, be set in stone delivered to the masses and then be followed by them in a religious fashion. It's no surprise, probably, that a question like "what is feminism?" or "what is the goal, and what are the means?" runs so deep and challenges millenniums of social norms, religion and political systems. The answer is a work-in-progress. The answer is, there's no final answer.

When did you throw yourself in like your life depended on it?

Haven't been in such a situation, yet. I hope I won't need to, though.

Make a list of your feminist moments.

Do you reflect on them differently in hindsight?

There has been a lot of thoughts and processing that I used to do in the past that I do differently today. Perhaps the most significant one was moving from categorizing feminism from an issue of niche and privileged interest (in how I first understood it's portrayal and fellowship) to an large issue that everyone need to be aware of and contribute to solving in their private lives. It is a cultural shift that concerns all humanity, at the same level as climate change. If we don't achieve significant growth in it, we will remain stuck in a system that is filled with injustice and suffering that questions our commitment to even the most basic human rights and dignity.

Can you acknowledge the "bad feminist" moments and build something good from them?

I probably can answer this questions in a few years from now better. Once I have lived a little longer with my daughter and son and experienced with them, especially, more private and personal experiences.


Chapter 4 - Has mother Goose ever heard of feminism


Interesting angle I learned in this chapter, white gaze. Certainly gives an aha moment. It does suggest that wiring for considering one’s identity superior can possibly become so hard wired that it is automatic and hard to spot or escape from. Calls for both empathy with those who try hard to escape it, but also for more pressure for that at the same time. Finally makes feel I might buy a little more into higher dose of activism against white supremacy than I think I did before.
Another important take away that resonates with me so strongly is what one teacher of Gibran’s middle school said to his mother:
“At that age, they’re still open to influence and shaping. Our job as teachers is to provide exposure and ideas.” Jeff has been teaching for thirty one years, and in recent years, he doubled down on the idea that schools need to be actively anti-discrimination, pro-fairness, pro-justice and to present these as universal values, not politicised ones.

For one, I agree a great deal with the combination of the values suggested, although that certainly need to be examined in detail and the set must be flexible and allowed to evolve with time.
But what I very strongly believe in and think is very problematic in our schools, is the lack of any values being at the core of the teaching. Schools seem to be stuck in “let’s make sure they can count” but don’t go beyond to “why and how do we function in societies”, not enough at least. Critical thinking is crucial, but so are the core values for progress, for a better version of humane global ecosystem.


Chapter 4 todos

  • diversify the bookshelf with characters and stories that are of the typical stereotypes and ideas.
  • Think and converse about the stories as you read them together. Ask questions and challenge assumptions to bild and encourage critical thinking.

Chapter 5

Those of us that live apart from our families, separated by geography or estranged for whatever reason, have both the burden and the opportunity to reimagine family. To construct a village in which we appoint new elders, new advisors, new aunts and uncles, new cousins and companions.

When we surround a child with the people and values we consider important, they seek out more of the same. And so it was with Gibran. He started to read about feminism and debated with me about its first, second, and third waves.

I couldn't help but compare him to the leftest men I'd meet —colleagues, or boyfriends and husbands of friends— who said all the right things and yet did little housework or childcare.
This one reminded me of a few people in my social groups, who I have regarded them one the more progressive people I know. Yet, I also heard comments, referring to my co-parenting situation with the mother of my children, such as:
  • "and you'd think that two kids are enough of commitment" referring to us breaking up as-if it is a withdrawal of commitment, eventhough the mother of my children and I are fully committed to co-parenting our children, sharing custody and childcare 50:50 and supporting each other as individuals further as we do so.
  • "oh I don't want to be in Alaa's situation" coming from people who has never asked me directly what situation I am in and what I think of it. I, in fact, can't be happier or more proud of the life I'm leading and providing for my children.

Chapter 5 todos

  • If you are in a traditional family structure, embrace the comforts and challenge the conventions. Speak to parents of other boys and build a community committed to the cause. Find those unlike yourself. Parents raising LGBTQ children (as well as LGBT parents) have experiences and strategies that find pathways beyond the threats of toxic masculinity and oppressive femininity that our heteronormative world places on our kids.If you are a white family, take cues from parents raising boys of color, because we bring intersectional sensitivities to our boys who are already at somewhat of a disadvantage in a world of white male privilege. Don't lay the burden on these parents to share their wisdom, but thank them heartily if they do.
  • If you are a single parent or in a partnership with a same-sex parent or in any "unconventional" family structure, find others in the same boat. Give to them the same attention and care you would give to your family. Find your chosen family and nurture it. Find each other and find yourself in each other.
  • Vote and lobby for policies and systems that support more than just the traditional notions of family.
  • Lobby for childcare systems that don't exploit some women so other women can go to work. Make it everyone's issue, not just a women's issue.
  • Enroll our boys in schools that have women in leadership. Rank colleges for the proportion of women and people of color in leadership positions. Our communities and our countries will shift if a whole lot of us heave it in the same direction.
  • Meet educators and administrators at schools. Put "the Feminist Boy Project" on every agenda. Find books, exchange strategies, invite speakers and experts for talks and teach-ins. Go ahead— make a commitment to the parents of girls that you are raising good boys.
  • Sometimes, as in my case, it takes walking away from one village to build another. Sometimes, like my sister or like Mara, we must stay and question our families, our neighbors, and our institutions.
  • Make sure your school-going boy has strong feminist girls and LGBTQ kids among his friends.

Chapter 6 - How Will I Shield Him From The Men Around Us


When I was getting a divorce, my mother wouldn't speak to me, so I called my father. He said, "To hell with marriage. Marriage is for small people. You are too big for marriage."

Militaries across the world hold masculine values of discipline during times of peace, protection during times of threat, and attack during times of war. Peace is largely seen as an absence of war. War is defined in masculinity and masculinity is perfected in war. Women, as has been documented over and over across the world and across time, are the collateral victims of war.

In her book The Skin Were In, Dr. Janie Victoria Ward, who studies the moral and psychological development of Black children, offers a thorough four-step program for such instances that need reframing. Her approach-Name it, Read it, Oppose it, Replace it-encourages resistance to damaging social influences throughout the formative years of adolescence.

But the true concern isn't that our boys want to be exactly like these men. The concern is that they are seeing these men succeed and find seats in the highest offices in the land. In my land and yours and all over the fucking globe. These men are not my son's role models, but he knows they are his leaders. He won't grow up to be like them, but he will have to take orders from them.


Chapter six todos

TO DO:
  • Talk to boys about who their closest friends are. What do they like and dislike about them? How do they feel about themselves when they re with them? Who do they trust, feel comfortable with, talk to? Who knows what they're really like? Who brings out the best and worst in them? Encourage your boy to cultivate intimate friendships.
  • Teach boys to reflect critically on what they see in men around them. The goal is not to shield them from the storm but to teach them to weather it. Encourage perspective taking.
  • Work to dismantle the problematic messages your boy receives.Employ the steps suggested by Dr. Janie Victoria Ward.
  • Give boys and men the permission to care.
  • If you are a man, reflect on your own experiences, development, socialization. If you are a father, what is it like to be with your son? What did you lose as you were initiated into boyhood and manhood? Would you want your son to lose that?
  • Surround your son with men you trust to do the "cleanup work."
  • Focus on the men who are willing to change.
  • Try a call-in as opposed to a call-out. Calling-in is the compassionate practice of recognizing that people make mistakes and drawing them back in to try their best and be their best selves.
  • This is hard, but set boundaries and go beyond respecting elders to protecting children. If there are men in your boy's life who ignore your call-ins (or call-outs), it's time to set some limits.
  • Work to topple militaristic, toxic masculine political and social structures.

Chapter 7 - How Will I Shield Him From The Media

There is another, more pervasive, almost environmentally embedded media that we hardly ever talk about anymore. Advertising. A whole generation or two of media scholars have studied the impact of advertising on children, adolescents, and adults. Advertisers have that whole business down to a science. From billboards to buses to Super Bowl commercials to our social media feeds, the dancing deity of consumerism isn't just selling us products and services but is actually selling us (our information and our profiles) to corpora-tions. Under a capitalist structure, we are seen as consumers more than as whole humans. As that capitalist structure nudges us online, our desires and our purchases— even our idle "(browser) window-shopping"- is easier to track. The most significant data about us, then, is our IP address, which social media hands off to advertisers.

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